Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Nominee #1: Pirates

The first ever nominee in my ongoing search for the Biggest Douche in the Universe is: Somali Pirates.

These pirating piss-bags are nominated for excellence in Douchery not because they have killed dozens of people, stolen millions of dollars or kidnapped a commercial sea-liner Captain. No, these Pirates are Douches because ... they are fucking Pirates.

Seriously, I thought the year was 2009, not 1709. Pirates are only supposed to be half-decent Jerry Bruckheimer movies and really bad baseball teams. They aren't a gang of Asshole Africans who just happen to have access to motorboats and AK-47s. I mean it is kind of sad to watch more than anything. Like when grandpa is trying to relive his glory days but they have clearly passed him by ... only grandpa has a peg-leg, eye patch and African Macaw on his shoulder.

Look Somali Pirates, I know treasure is great and all and you just can't wait to get your hands on that conveniently clean and non-degraded chest with an easily breakable lock, but I assure you: there is no "X marks the spot" on an American cruise ship full of confused retirees in Speedos. Unless two shuffleboard tables intersect.

Is this really what Pirates did in the 18th Century? Did they just harrass cruise-liners and freighters full of canned soup and breakfast cereals? Because if that's the case, then our image of Pirates is now ruined forever. There is a whole crew of lonely losers on Facebook who will have to now find a past-time other than "fighting" virtual ninjas. Good job, Somali Pirates, good job.

So it is for shattering childhood images of lovable scallywags and annoying Douchery on the High Seas that I nominate Somali Pirates for Biggest Douche in the Universe, 2009.



  1. haha, I do a double take every time I see a headline about Pirates on CNN. Well deserved nomination!

  2. dude Richard Philips (the captain who was kidnapped) is from my hometown