Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Commence the Douchery

My name is Alec Bojalad ... and I hate you.

Don't worry, it wasn't anything you did or anything you said. As a matter of fact we have probably never met. But the mere fact that you are able to read and comprehend these symbols means that you are a human being and I hate human beings. So by the theory of conversion, I hate you. Unless, of course, a dog taught him how to read and is currently curled up on an old office chair deciphering the English language. To him I say: Right on, Fido. To all of you I say: fuck you.

It is nothing personal, I just hate human beings. They are loud and they are selfish and they are foolish. In short: they are Douches.

But even I know how to differentiate between the Kind of/sort of Douches and the undeniable-kill-us-all-now Douches. Occasionally, humanity will offer some glimmer of decency or hope for our species. Sometimes a person will commit a truly self-less act in the name of love and the greater good. 

You will find none of these stories on my blog.

On these pages of misery and woe, you will find only tale after tale of the Biggest Douches that humanity has to offer. I will scour the Interwebs, looking for the awful-est, lamest, asstard-iest, most Douche-iest human beings I can find. Then I will post their stories of breath-taking Douchery on the site. Then in the grand tradition John Edward, I will nominate the 5 biggest Douches at the end of the year and let the Internet vote on who is the Biggest Douche in the Universe.

Sound like fun? Good.

Here are some Housekeeping notes before I can truly begin this quest of Douche:

- I am in no way affiliated with Trey Parker, Matt Stone, South Park or Comedy Central and have no idea if the term "Biggest Douche in the Universe" is copyrighted or not. If it is, I am sure Viacom will come find me eventually. So enjoy it while it exists.

- Those who are interested in what brought along my Douche-hunting passion and acerbic wit need only to check out my previous and now defunct blog The Collective(ly) Unconscious.

- Posts will not be released on any set-schedule. I am a college student and have a lot of various responsibilities so I will write about Douches as inspiration strikes. But I would venture a guess that about a post a week is a fair expectation.

Well, that's all of the boring stuff.

Despite my harsh manner, I hope you will join me on this noble quest to find the Biggest Douche in the Universe.