Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Nominee #5: Jon and Kate

Jon and Kate suck, man.

Well maybe I should back up a little bit. For those of you who don't: watch The Learning Channel, have access the Internet, or have a functioning brain, Jon and Kate Gosselin are a happily marr...well, married couple whose claim to fame is being remarkably fertile.

The Gosselin clan (after experimental reproductive therapy of some sort) begat a pair of twins followed by a set of sixtuplets. Since the children were fairly photogenic and had so observable birth defects, TLC decided to step in and film Jon and Kate Plus 8, a show about the trials and tribulations that come along with 8 children.

I think TLC was secretly hoping for Jon and Kate to lose their minds, feed the children cyanide pills then blow each other's brains out Shakespeare/Luhrmann-style. But instead what they got was a little more subtle. 

Jon and Kate Plus 8 quickly became Jon and Kate Passive Aggressively Tear Each Other's Souls Apart (and Happen to Have 8 Kids). At first I suppose it was cute enough, but like most "reality" shows on TV things took a turn for the Douche.

"Allegations" arose that Jon had cheated on Kate. It probably didn't help 
that pictures like this hit the Interwebs. Then of course more "allegations" arose that Kate was che
ating on Jon with...the Bodyguard (the Bodyguard is the 2009 Reality TV version of the nanny). 

Of course, this is nothing new. It is 2009: people get divorced like buying new furniture. But Jon and Kate have reached new levels of Domestic Doucheness in presenting the whole ordeal to the public....IN FRONT OF THEIR 8-FUCKING-KIDS.

For us (the enlightened public) this is just a more fun retread of Brad and Jen, but for the kids this is HELL. Could you imagine if a professional film crew taped a permanent audio-visual record of the era in which your family fell apart and tore your very soul in two? And that's not to mention the magazine covers and Google search results regarding your parents infidelity. 

But I don't blame the media, because if I did they wouldn't let me back into Scripps School of Journalism. No, I blame Jon and Kate. They're the real Douches in all of this.

So it is for broadcasting their Douchery across cable signals and disappointing the largest amount of kids since Bambi's mom died that I nominate Jon and Kate Biggest Douche in the Universe 2009.

And for Christ's sake, Gosselins, just wear a rubber next time.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Nominee #4: The Post

Every now and then I come across something so fantastic, so laughable, so Douche-rific that my heart nearly stops.

Normally, I must look toward the National media and keep an eye on World-wide current events. But there are those oh-so-sweet moments when the perfect example of Douche comes right to my doorstep.

Last week was one of these examples.

What you are currently looking at above this text is an actual headline taken from last Thursday's edition of Ohio University's student-run newspaper, The Post. I am usually pretty warm to the Post. They may not always be perfect but at least the paper is polished, professional and oftentimes, entertaining. But this headline was so offensively crass, foolish and lame that I must point to it and cry "Douche!"

"April Showers Bring Autism Awareness." All together now: "Whaa.....???" This is a classic example for Journalism students everywhere that just because you can doe something doesn't mean you should. I am sure if you locked me in a dark room for hours I could come up with dozens of puns and cute phrases for every news story ever written. But that doesn't mean that every news story requires a pun or cute phrase.

And this was definitely one of those cases. Why couldn't The Post simply write "Athens Recognizes Autism Awareness Month," or "April Means Autism Awareness for Ohio University?" Why for the love of all things Douche did Autism Awareness need to be brought to Athens, Ohio via a Grand Storm of Cliche?

Since the Post was Douche enough in nature to allude to "April Showers" and "Autism Awareness" in the same sentence, I fully expect them to find alliterative cliches for every event that occurs in April henceforth.

April Showers Bring More Attempted Assaults

April Showers Bring Ass-raping Apes

April Showers Bring Austere Assholes to Athens

April Showers Brings Armadillos with AIDS

April Showers Bring Awesome Australian Anuses

April Showers Bring Attacks Against Alec Bojalad

April Showers Bring Awful Cliches to Athens

So, it is for an outrageous offense against alliteration, wordplay and common sense that I nominate the Post for Biggest Douche in the Universe 2009.

I just shudder to think what "May flowers" are going to bring.