Thursday, June 4, 2009

Nominee #6: Everybody but LeBron

Everybody is a Douche.

I'm a Douche, you're a Douche, your mom is a Douche, Gandhi is a Douche, that guy you met at summer camp is a Douche, the girl with a pierced eyebrow giving you your McFlurry is a Douche, your future children are Douches, your future children's children are Douches, God is a Douche and even Tom Hanks is a Douche.

But LeBron Raymone (bet you didn't know his middle name) James is NOT a Douche.

This blog post today is dedicated to everyone in the world who is a Douche...and this does not, I repeat, does NOT include LeBron James.

So world....what's your deal? Why are you such a massive Douche. LeBron James spends two weeks of his life valiantly battling the Orlando Magic (Sticks) only to be rewarded by bad teammates, Skip Bayless and ultimately a LOSS??? Well Douche-that-is-Planet-Earth, I don't know if you got the memo but LeBron James does not lose. He simply does not. And only a Douche would disobey Rule #1 of Reality and Existence.

But fate isn't the only Douche this week. Nike and Sports Illustrated are Douches for jinxing the shit out of LeBron. Zydrunas Ilguaskas, Mo Williams and the rest of the Cavs not-ready-for-primetime-players are Douches
 (with the possible exception of Delonte West because I love him like a brother). Dwight Howard is a Douche for figuring out he should be one of the 5 most dominant players in the NBA at the most inopportune time. Hedo Turkoglu is a Douche for constantly grinning like an idiot. Rashard Lewis is a Douche for hitting clutch shots. Courtney Lee is a Douche for not convincing Danny Ferry to draft him. Stan Van Gundy is a Douche because....well he knows why.

I'm a Douche. Yes me. I doubted LeBron and I misplaced my faith in false idols (like Anderson Varejao was really going to stop Dwight Howard). LeBron sensed my faithlessness and decided to preclude himself from the Finals as punishment for my sins.

And you're a Douche. When you saw LeBron walk off the court without stopping to shake anyone's hand, you thought "what a Douche!" But the mere fact that you thought LeBron James could be a Douche reveals you to be a massive Douche yourself.

So it is for undeniable Doucheness in the face of the impossible that I nominate "Everybody but LeBron" for Biggest Douche in the Universe 2009.

May my heart and soul someday feel full again...