Every now and then I come across something so fantastic, so laughable, so Douche-rific that my heart nearly stops.
Normally, I must look toward the National media and keep an eye on World-wide current events. But there are those oh-so-sweet moments when the perfect example of Douche comes right to my doorstep.
Last week was one of these examples.
What you are currently looking at above this text is an actual headline taken from last Thursday's edition of Ohio University's student-run newspaper, The Post. I am usually pretty warm to the Post. They may not always be perfect but at least the paper is polished, professional and oftentimes, entertaining. But this headline was so offensively crass, foolish and lame that I must point to it and cry "Douche!"
"April Showers Bring Autism Awareness." All together now: "Whaa.....???" This is a classic example for Journalism students everywhere that just because you can doe something doesn't mean you should. I am sure if you locked me in a dark room for hours I could come up with dozens of puns and cute phrases for every news story ever written. But that doesn't mean that every news story requires a pun or cute phrase.
And this was definitely one of those cases. Why couldn't The Post simply write "Athens Recognizes Autism Awareness Month," or "April Means Autism Awareness for Ohio University?" Why for the love of all things Douche did Autism Awareness need to be brought to Athens, Ohio via a Grand Storm of Cliche?
Since the Post was Douche enough in nature to allude to "April Showers" and "Autism Awareness" in the same sentence, I fully expect them to find alliterative cliches for every event that occurs in April henceforth.
April Showers Bring More Attempted Assaults
April Showers Bring Ass-raping Apes
April Showers Bring Austere Assholes to Athens
April Showers Brings Armadillos with AIDS
April Showers Bring Awesome Australian Anuses
April Showers Bring Attacks Against Alec Bojalad
April Showers Bring Awful Cliches to Athens
So, it is for an outrageous offense against alliteration, wordplay and common sense that I nominate the Post for Biggest Douche in the Universe 2009.
I just shudder to think what "May flowers" are going to bring.