Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Nominee #5: Jon and Kate

Jon and Kate suck, man.

Well maybe I should back up a little bit. For those of you who don't: watch The Learning Channel, have access the Internet, or have a functioning brain, Jon and Kate Gosselin are a happily marr...well, married couple whose claim to fame is being remarkably fertile.

The Gosselin clan (after experimental reproductive therapy of some sort) begat a pair of twins followed by a set of sixtuplets. Since the children were fairly photogenic and had so observable birth defects, TLC decided to step in and film Jon and Kate Plus 8, a show about the trials and tribulations that come along with 8 children.

I think TLC was secretly hoping for Jon and Kate to lose their minds, feed the children cyanide pills then blow each other's brains out Shakespeare/Luhrmann-style. But instead what they got was a little more subtle. 

Jon and Kate Plus 8 quickly became Jon and Kate Passive Aggressively Tear Each Other's Souls Apart (and Happen to Have 8 Kids). At first I suppose it was cute enough, but like most "reality" shows on TV things took a turn for the Douche.

"Allegations" arose that Jon had cheated on Kate. It probably didn't help 
that pictures like this hit the Interwebs. Then of course more "allegations" arose that Kate was che
ating on Jon with...the Bodyguard (the Bodyguard is the 2009 Reality TV version of the nanny). 

Of course, this is nothing new. It is 2009: people get divorced like buying new furniture. But Jon and Kate have reached new levels of Domestic Doucheness in presenting the whole ordeal to the public....IN FRONT OF THEIR 8-FUCKING-KIDS.

For us (the enlightened public) this is just a more fun retread of Brad and Jen, but for the kids this is HELL. Could you imagine if a professional film crew taped a permanent audio-visual record of the era in which your family fell apart and tore your very soul in two? And that's not to mention the magazine covers and Google search results regarding your parents infidelity. 

But I don't blame the media, because if I did they wouldn't let me back into Scripps School of Journalism. No, I blame Jon and Kate. They're the real Douches in all of this.

So it is for broadcasting their Douchery across cable signals and disappointing the largest amount of kids since Bambi's mom died that I nominate Jon and Kate Biggest Douche in the Universe 2009.

And for Christ's sake, Gosselins, just wear a rubber next time.

1 comment:

  1. How about...
    "And for Christ's sake, Gosselins, just abort next time."
    Has more of a ring to it